consciously seeking happiness

debbie, this is for you. i am beginning a blog.

yes, that's right, i will now actually be writing on this blog that i have had for four years. (and of course that implies that i will be reading your blogs as well, debbie. you can stop hassling me about it now.)

so why the sudden change of heart? why the abdication of my staunch ethical opposition to blogging? one answer: a most severe quarter-life crisis.

turns out that i am turning twenty five on monday. i recognize that to many that does not sound that old. and in fact, it is not the size of the number that that has terrified the blog opposition right out of me. it is, rather, what the number connotes. twenty five is the age of an adult, the age of someone self-sufficient and existing, the age of a person whose life has arrived and who is now going about the business of living it.

yet, i am turning twenty five and i am still anticipating the arrival of my life and the version of myself i thought i would be. as a result, i am neither self-sufficient nor existing. i am still waiting for something other than this, for someone other than i am so that life can begin. and most importantly, i am still waiting on the happiness that was supposed to arrive with this supposed life and self. somehow twenty five has arrived without the arrival of those things i have put everything else on hold waiting for. and now my grace period is over, i cannot wait anymore. this is my life and i am what i am.

therefore, i am done waiting. in particular, i am done waiting for happiness to arrive from somewhere else. i have been generally very unhappy and lonely for as long as i can remember. but it has always been bearable because of the anticipation of future happiness i was sure would arrive with the rest of my life. but now that i recognize that life is not coming, i can either surrender to unhappiness and loneliness, or i can simply choose to be happy now, to live now, to be the person i want to be now. i can choose to stop waiting. and that is what i intend to do.

twenty five will be the year of living. and more importantly it will be the year of being happy. it will be the year of what i like to call Project Happiness. and as the very official name Project Happiness implies there are specific guidelines that need to be followed and goals that need to be met. i will not bore you with them here. however, the final guideline/goal for project happiness is the reason for this blog, so i will post it here.

it states:  "i will find one reason or way to be happy every day and share it with others."

this blog is where i will fulfill that goal. every day i will record at least one reason or one way to be happy. i did not understand until recently how consciously seeking happiness can actually make one happy, but that is what i will be doing here: consciously seeking happiness and trying to share it with others.